I used to be really into poetry when I was younger. I used to read it all the time and I spent a lot of time writing my own. Back then, it was all poetry about things that would concern a normal teenage girl; obviously they were mostly about boys. It wasn’t until I really delved into some darker poetry that I saw the real beauty in it. Take for example, Edgar Allan Poe. Some might consider his work to be dark, dreary, and downright insane. In some ways, they might even be right. But what is truth, if not insanity? In fact, many of these poets only spoke the truth that people weren’t comfortable with admitting to themselves or others. So where does the line between truth and insanity fall? I suppose that’s all in the eye of the poet.
My favorite Edgar Allan Poe quote is probably one of his most well known and perhaps the most cliche. “Sometimes I’m terrified of my heart; of its constant hunger for whatever it is it wants. The way it stops and starts.” Instead of my younger self writing perfectly rhymed phrases that were doodle heart worthy all over the rest of my notebook, Poe was much more relatable. In this example, someone could read this in a really positive way or an extremely negative way. It’s all in the eye of the reader. I am currently having mixed emotions because I’m having a day that leaves me unsure of what I should be feeling.
One of my biggest problems is that I am half a hopeless romantic, and the other half of me is a free spirit. These two conflicting personalities really get the best of me sometimes. I want to be swept off my feet. I want to be able to be sexually involved with whoever I want. I want to be loved. I want to be spontaneous. There is a constant feud in my heart between settling down and feeling like there is something else out there for me. I will be the first to admit here that I have a problem settling. Right now I am starting to get involved with someone I met online, but I don’t really know if that’s it for me. There is another person that came into my life randomly and unexpectedly. That’s another mess entirely.
Recently I reconnected with an old friend online, his name is Brad. Brad and I had attended a basketball camp in the Summer before my junior year in high school. Since we were so young, there was obviously lots of lust being thrown around freely. While we spent the week at this camp, we connected. It fizzled out quickly afterwards though, because we were both extremely young, unexperienced, and confused. Not to mention he was interested in anything that had a vagina, and I was still too nervous to hardly talk to anyone of the opposite sex. Naturally, we didn’t talk for a long time after that. A couple years went by and we found each other on a social media site. At the time, he was in a committed relationship and was expecting the birth of a baby girl. He had apologized to me for the way he behaved when we attended the summer camp together and he seemed like he had done a lot of growing up in the time we hadn’t talked. So we chatted every now and then, enjoyed each other’s online companionship, and eventually we both moved on with our lives again. I watched as there were posts of his beautiful baby girl Lindsey and of his family. All I could be was happy for him, because he seemed genuinely happy himself.
There was a time in the very beginning of 2013 that I was going through some personal issues, so I decided to delete the Facebook I had and make a new one so I could only have my real friends on there. Alas, there were no more posts of Brad and his life on my newsfeed. Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. I was talking to an old flame from college. Luck would have it, my old flame Adam and I were both friends with Sandra. Sandra had also gone to the basketball camp that summer, and we saw each other sometimes because we went to the same college. I had nearly forgotten about her because I didn’t have that many people on my Facebook anymore, but there she was in my mutual friends. The wheels started to turn in my mind back to that summer at camp, and there he was. Brad came up freshly in my mind like he had never left. I have a hard time remembering names a lot, but his first and last was like remembering my own. I don’t know why the memory of him was so vivid after all the time I spent making new friends and relationships with other people. We only hung out for a week at camp, and that was it.
I couldn’t help but put it into my search bar. And one name and an enter button later, there he was. I should have just creeped on his page and kept it moving like I normally do when stalking my past life, but I didn’t do that this time. I added him, and not even two minutes later he had accepted me. We started catching up as usual, and a lot has changed. He obviously still has his baby girl, Lindsey. She is almost 4 now, so time has really flown. Unfortunately, things didn’t work out with him and Lindsey’s mother. He is now a single dad, works a full time job, and goes to night school. He also moved away to Georgia to be with his mom. Talking to him now is like talking to someone with such a kind and amazing soul. He is a very deep person, and we spend a lot of time talking every day. I just can’t help but feel like now he is going to make me fall for him from the very bottom of the country.
I have this strong emotional connection with him, and now that there is nothing in the way he is acknowledging that it’s the same for him. Now the only problem is all of the states between us. Oh, and the fact that I really like to have sex. I am supposed to hang out with this guy tomorrow and I’m not even looking forward to it anymore. I just think of how I would rather talk to Brad, even if it’s just talking. I thought about canceling on my friend Rick and making up some reason to no longer be interested. But I don’t trust myself to stick with that. Just like Edgar Allan Poe, I’m terrified of my heart. If I hook up with Rick, I might end up continuing that just to not be vulnerable. That’s one of my personalities. The other is falling so hard for Brad even though I haven’t seen him in years. So what is a girl to do? My heart has a constant hunger. It just wants what it wants. Unfortunately, if my heart gets everything that it wants, it might not end up with anything at all.
Confused and half lonely,